


In Transit

by themidnightrhapsody



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Complete, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-23
Updated: 2012-07-23
Packaged: 2017-11-10 13:13:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/466684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themidnightrhapsody/pseuds/themidnightrhapsody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He can't admit that he's running, but he can't deny it either. So he calls himself a jetsetter and hopes to someday find resolution...or oblivion. Then Roxas comes back. Roxas/Axel, semi-AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Transit

**Author's Note:**

> This is technically set about 150 years into the future of canonverse, but it doesn't have to be taken like that. Just so it's clear.

As a master of deception, he can make people believe  _it's enough to just be alive_  is a good thing. A positive thing. As a master of deception, he can fool people into thinking he's mildly attractive. Hot enough to sleep with – in the dark. As a master of deception, he can live every day as the intelligent, philosophical sort of person. The kind you like to meet in the airport on a layover, and wish you could meet in Real Life.

He lives in airports, when he isn't living in a small apartment in Middle of Nowhere, Shithole, Hollow Bastion.

Frame this picture:

Every morning the man from 6A – the one who never changes out of his bathrobe and smells faintly of old curry and just-curdled milk, you know the one – runs down two stretches of cement stairs in worn suede slippers to check the mail. Mrs. Six Kids And No Husband from 2A shouts at Michael, Michelle, Mindy, and her other three Ms to get in the car or suffer the consequences. There are always consequences.

3A is something like a safe haven. Second floor, on the right if he's leaving and on the left if he's returning. There's a generous deposit of bird shit close to the door, but he steps lightly and makes sure to never put his bags on the ground. He packs lightly, too. He's an expert.

3A is a safe haven and also the place he wishes to leave behind forever. He's more 'at home' in airports anyway, airports and airplanes and hotels in places he doesn't need to name. China or Jamaica – Port Royal is his favorite airport – or maybe Neverland or Twilight Town or Devil's Bayou or Greece or Texas or. Hell, he's everywhere.

Secret:

He leaves little bits of himself at every airport, at every hotel, at every minor landmark. Eventually, he'll run out of bits, and it will be the kind of absolute his contemporaries – twenty-somethings with chips on their shoulders left over from shitty childhoods – disdain, at least out loud.

Secret:

Dear Roxas,

I'm writing you from Port Royal. Yeah, again. If I ever actually sent these to you, I'd have to explain why. Why. Demyx says I'm running away and it's not healthy. I know you'd get it; I'm just looking. I bet you'd even know what I'm looking for. You'd hate it, but I don't think you'd hate me for it. We've been through so much, haven't we?

This is a short one because I've been up for twenty-nine hours and my layover is ten hours this time. I have a pillow and a coat – I'm going to try to get some sleep.

I love you. I know I keep saying it, but only in these letters. The letters you'll never see, and hopefully nobody will see because I'm sure sap this thick is illegal in several regions, including Jamaica. Besides; you wouldn't hate me for looking, but you'd hate me for loving you. I love you anyway.

Axel

Secret:

Dramamine makes the world stay still.

* * *

The meeting was fairly innocuous, just Demyx and some girly-boy I can't remember – Rico or Roux or Rika – and Sora going with me to pick up Yuffie from a double date gone terribly, terribly wrong. Her date and the other girl had known each other in ways Yuffie thought were highly disturbing, and they left her – and the other guy – alone at the restaurant.

Yuffie was not crying anymore when they arrived. In fact, she was laughing and leaning into the guy like they were old friends. I noticed he looked distinctly uncomfortable, but had his arm around her shoulders and she seemed safe. Yuffie was Sora's twin, and as Sora had muscled his way into my life so quickly it felt like he'd always been there, I saw Yuffie as something like a kid sister, despite being the same age.

When the blond boy looked up and caught my eye, I had to look away – there was something disturbingly piercing and  _innocent_  in the blue there, like oceans from the shore.

"Guys, this is Roxas," Yuffie said. "Can we keep him?"

* * *

Dear Roxas,

I'm in Underworld Port right now. What a name, huh?

I remember the time you said you wanted to see the Coliseum. I'm not going. I can't do it without you. It's okay though; I can't leave the airport. I'm only here for a couple of hours. Another layover.

I wish I could write more but what is there to say? I love you?

The more I say it, the less it means. By now it should mean nothing. Too bad it still means something to me.

Axel

* * *

Secret Number One:

Roxas was psychic. At least, that was what Sora decided. He and Sora had become very close in a very short amount of time, probably because when Roxas had fallen ill Sora had taken it upon himself to be his personal nurse.

The 'psychic' part was because Roxas could tell anyone when their birthday was, even if he didn't know them. He also saw what some people called 'auras.' I didn't take either very seriously; the birthday thing was cool, but lots of other people could do it. And the aura thing...well, anybody who called the colors 'auras' was an idiot and if we couldn't bond over it, what was it good for anyway?

Roxas had fused beautifully with our group within a month, so it was okay for me to have weird crush-like feelings for him. So he was male. Who cared. Sora was bisexual and Demyx didn't give a fuck and Yuffie was one of those freakish girls who liked the thought of two males together. Nobody else mattered, not even the girly-boy Sora brought around sometimes.

Maybe Kairi. But Kairi had a good, pure heart, and would only care if someone broke her brother's.

* * *

The innocence Roxas had displayed that night at the restaurant was an awkward sort of carelessness which had nothing to do with world-innocence and everything to do with his naïve take on the world. So everything was fucked? To hell with everyone who made it that way. He was going to make his own world eventually, made of secret corridors and whispers and midnight and forests in the wind. And candy.

It was a little funny, actually, the way he worked. He could tell you the best way to make a girl orgasm, but he would never name names, even if everyone already knew. He could tell you how to throw a very accurate (and devastating) punch, but he wouldn't demonstrate unless he had to, or someone really ticked him off. He was all heart, but he never let anybody in. He could do most math in his head, but his spelling was atrocious. He could draw people and scenes and animals and life and death and existence, but he couldn't draw a straight line.

He had a tongue ring.

I liked that tongue ring.

* * *

Dear Roxas,

Never mind.

To you from Twilight Port Underground Concourse with immeasurable hatelove,

Axel

* * *

I met Roxas' sister a week after Sora's 'psychic' proclamation. Her name was Kairi.

She was pretty, in a way that Roxas could never be – all feminine and curves and big warm eyes. Her hair was red, her legs were long, and her laugh was contagious. The moment I saw her, I thought –  _Roxas is lucky to be in the same house with her all day._

But I wasn't attracted to her. I couldn't even  _force_  myself to be attracted to her. It was good, I supposed, because I soon learned that Roxas had one soft spot, reserved for his sister, and he'd crush anyone who even dared to look at her wrong.

Nobody asked why Sora had two black eyes and a split lip that Saturday. Nobody asked why Roxas was favoring his left leg and had a splint on his arm. Nobody asked why Kairi wasn't talking to either of them.

Nobody was surprised when Sora came around on Monday with lights in the blue within those terrible bruises and a grin which kept splitting his lip again. Kairi was written all over him in blood and spirit and heartbeats.

It was what I wanted, but not from Kairi.

* * *

Secret Number Five:

"I'm going to marry her," Roxas said.

"Oh, are you?"

"Don't give me that, Axel. I really am. I'm going to marry her."

"But..."

Roxas looked at me suspiciously. "But  _what?"_

"I love you, and I don't want you to marry her. I want you to kiss  _me_  and follow through on that promise. Hell, I'll even get a sex change, if that's what you want. Just...I love you, and Naminé gives me the creeps. She always has."

That's how it should have gone.

Instead, it went like this:

"But nothing. I just don't want you to just be Naminé's Husband, okay? Be Roxas, or I'll come and kick your ass. Are we clear?"

* * *

Dear Roxas,

I remember a therapist telling me I should write letters to get out my 'feelings.' I think writing letters to you is a stupid idea – in fact, I think the whole 'feelings' thing is bullshit – but I'm going to start doing it anyway. Maybe someday when we're old and we're friends again I'll bring these out and we'll laugh at my foolish attempt to be somebody.

I'm in Twilight Town right now, in the alternate airport. I really hate this airport. It's small and cramped and boring. You'd hate it here, too.

I'm thinking about missing this flight. But I probably won't do it, because it would remind me too much of you. Remember when we talked about running away to see the world, missing flights and running out of money and generally being reckless? I can't do that without you. Not unless I'm coming for you, and I'm not. Demyx says you're all right but Naminé's being a bitch again, but you love her and what good would showing up do anyway?

I wish you knew that there is someone out there who loves you despite himself, but I guess it's my fault for not telling you. You always know things, except when it comes to yourself. You deserve to be loved, not used.

This airport sucks. So at least for now, I can be happy imagining you comfortable in your big house with Naminé and her weird family and laughing at me writing in a notebook on my suitcase which is in my lap.

Axel

* * *

Roxas liked seashells, which was weird for a guy, but no weirder than Demyx's sitar obsession or Sora's key collection or Xion's love of stealing those keys. He also liked vampires – not the retarded sparkly kind, though. He thought that Meyer bitch needed to be staked through the heart. He said that the human struggle against the absolute of death was very apparent in  _good_  vampire stories, that the undead were cold and heartless and unforgiving and stole life from those who had it – I said it wasn't very different from the average human experience, except vampires garnered attention because they physically sucked the life out of people instead of metaphorically, to which Roxas replied, "Exactly."

He said he wasn't much of a philosopher. He was a poet and an artist and a thinker, but he always said, "I'm not a philosopher. I just know big words and how to use them, and you can trick people that way."

The sad part was the truth of that statement.

People will believe anything.

* * *

I took my first real trip when I was twenty and the world had crashed down around me. There was fire and blood in the streets and in the distance, I could see the gates of hell half-open, enticing. I dreamed of oceans and fire when I could sleep and I dreamed of Roxas when I couldn't sleep and I wondered when Larxene would admit she was cheating on me with Marluxia, because I was tired of pretending and I'd never really liked her anyway.

She'd just been so vulnerable at that point –

" _You have to be Harry Potter," he said solemnly._

" _Why? I look nothing like him."_

" _That's what makeup and costumes are for, moron. You have to because your relatives are crazy and negligent and abusive-"_

" _No they're not-"_

" _-and you've got a saving-people thing."_

" _Fuck you, I do not. I don't have a Great Enemy, anyway...someone who wants me dead."_

" _Your greatest enemy lives inside you...and yes, he does want you dead. I kinda like having you around, you know, so never mind. Come on, we'll look for Halloween costumes somewhere else."_

– and I'd been unable to say no when she looked at me like that. It was selfish, but I wanted someone to need me, to love me, and since I already knew love wasn't an option, need was the next best thing.

It was February and Saïx had just blown a hole in his head. Zexion and I had bonded over coffee and horror stories and loss, but I needed to get  _away._

So I took a trip to China. Among other things, I saw the Imperial City –  _never again,_  at least not alone – and some river I can't remember well and then said hello to my aunt and her asshole husband.

I left a piece of myself there at the Imperial airport, and it felt so good to know I could never completely come back to Middle of Nowhere, Shithole, Hollow Bastion.

* * *

Dear Roxas,

I wrote you a song on the subway. It was stupid. All my songs are stupid, but this one was in a class of its own.

I'm on an airplane right now. I know, this is the third letter from this trip, but can you blame me?

Actually, you can. I don't know how many times I've tried to figure out how to apologize, but I think it's probably better this way. I couldn't handle it – seeing you, talking to you, and knowing I'd never be the one to make you happy. It was terrible. Even as I think about this, though, I wonder if I went about it in the right way at all.

Still, what would the right way have been? I (selfishly, I admit) didn't want you to feel guilty. I figured you could move on, and you'd just think of me as an asshole. Fuck, I miss you. I am an asshole.

The only way I've ever been able to say things is by writing these letters, but no one will ever read them. I don't know whether it's ironic or just pathetic.

Demyx says a heart beats twice. I wish I believed in God, because people who believe in God can blame him for all their messes and fuckups and he can't really argue (because he's not real, but that's entirely beside the point) – I could blame God for skipping over me when he assigned heartbeats. To continue with the awful imagery, I can't imagine my heart beating for anyone but you.

So the entire thing is pointless, because Demyx is wrong. Let's leave the sappy poetic bullshit for parodies of true romance (for example: Romeo and Juliet; Twilight; Cinderella). What is real romance? Chick flicks? I always figured the Ultimate Chick Flick was Labyrinth, but that might be because Xion made me watch it with her a million times and I truly despise chick flicks, as you know. She says it's too sad to be romantic, but I think that's why it is.

After stopping time, moving the stars, making dreams, singing to her, and walking around in those godawful pants (I can assure you, I suddenly didn't feel very confident – but Xion always said size was overrated and besides, I'd look better with boobs anyway and I kind of agree), he still didn't get the girl. She moved on with her life, happy and loved and a little more loving. He was still alone. And still, he didn't go in and disrupt her life anymore. (You have no power over me? Is that what I have to say to get you to leave me alone? To stay out of my dreams? To break my heart once and for all so I can finally hate you for real? If only.)

Talk about godawful. I'm suddenly really glad I'm not sending these. To reiterate: let's leave the sappy poetic bullshit for parodies of love.

My neighbor is a nosy fucker. Yes, this means you, stop peeking at my letter. Asshole.

Loving you still,

Axel

* * *

Secret Number Three:

"Let's make a pact," he said softly. Demyx was snoring in an armchair, Sora and Kairi were somewhere moping about girly-boy, Xion was doing something or other with her new friend Olette and Olette's weird friends Hayner and Pence, and Roxas was so close to me. I pretended it was easy to breathe.

"What kind of pact?"

"The let's-do-this kind of pact. I mean, not a suicide pact or anything, because if you even think about killing yourself I'll kill you-"

"That's kind of counterproductive," I mentioned.

"Shut up, it's the thought that counts," he replied. "Anyway, it's just...you and I don't really...hmm, let me figure out how to put this."

"I've got all night," I told him sarcastically.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, look. Remember when we talked about getting out of here? Getting lost, getting stolen, all that?"

"Yeah. But we also agreed it was a stupid idea."

"This is kind of like that. I think...you know, if we're both still single losers when we're twenty-five, we should pick up and go somewhere. Start a new life, away from all the fucking  _bullshit._  Your family, my family, the assholes at work, everyone who ever expected anything at all from us. None of those douches deserve you, and I'm too selfish to care. What do you say?"

"Twenty-five?" I swallowed and he moved closer. I had to swallow again. "Why...why twenty-five?"

"What, you'd rather go later?" He frowned. "Hey, if you don't want to, it's not-"

"I do. I do want to do it, Roxas – you're wrong about people not deserving me, unless you're talking about my complete assholishness, but you're right about the idea, and I think I like the idea of being alone out there. I mean, obviously you'll be telling Kairi and I doubt we could leave Demyx and Xion out of the loop, but it would still just be me and you. They're  _settle_  people. I just wondered why you picked twenty-five."

"Oh, because you're right about the financial aspects of it. We'll pretty much fail hardcore if we don't plan ahead, is what you said – I figure we'll be good around twenty-five, right? If we save like crazy?"

"Are you even capable," I teased.

"Don't underestimate the power of having a goal," he replied. "Also, you really  _are_  an asshole. So what do you say?"

"Well, 'no' is out of the question. I'd probably do it without you, if you decided against it, but if two people do something together, there's more of a chance of success, right? Plus, I kinda like you. We could coexist without killing each other."

"...You're fucking  _weird."_  He rolled his eyes and moved even closer. "Good thing I'm okay with weird."

* * *

"I remember when we brought Roxas in. He was like a lost puppy looking for a home, remember? And he glommed onto Yuffie because...well, she was awesome," Demyx said, swallowing an eye-watering mouthful of something potent.

He tried to pass the bottle to me, but I declined. My vodka was good enough. "A puppy." I snorted. "The fuck kind of puppy would act like Roxas?"

"Shut up. He could be a pit bull puppy. And I'm a golden retriever."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah? And what about me? And if you say Clifford, I'll kick you when you're sober."

"Nah, you're too skinny. You're like...a husky. Or, or a wet cat crossed with a husky with some panther blood. Cuz we had to drag you in hissing and clawing, but then when we finally brainwashed you, it was like...we were your family, you're all loyal and shit. Roxas is just cute mean. You want to play with him until he bites your head off and suddenly you forget why...you know?"

"Dem...maybe you should ease up on the...what is that shit, anyway?"

"Almost gone," he said gloomily. Then, he perked up and smiled a bit ridiculously. "Why's the rum always gone?"

I shrugged and reached over to take away the bottle. "Because you keep drinking it. What brought up the dog thing anyway?"

"Xion wants a pet. As the loving, caring friend-slash-roommate-slash-part-time-boyfriend, it's my duty to...ugh, my head's not thinking."

"It's okay," I said quietly. "I think that's the point anyway."

"Fuck," he said. His tone was much different – still gloomy, but with some kind of underlying desperation.

"Hmm?"

"First Yuffie, then Roxas. What if Roxas disappears too? What if Naminé ruins him? I just...we're all falling apart. The Asshole left, and then Sora and Kairi took off to find him, and then Yuffie disappeared, and now  _Roxas._  When's your turn? When are  _you_  going to leave? When's Xion going to leave?"

"Whoa, Dem. I'm not..." I frowned – I  _was_  going to leave, eventually. "It's not that people are abandoning us or anything. It's just part of life, you know? People move on, people move forward. And, you know, they're assholes for not contacting us, but...I mean, when it's my turn to leave, I'm not going to leave you behind. Who's to say you won't get out of here before me, anyway? This is a shitty place to live." I nudged him with my foot. "And anyway, Xion's crazy about you. She's not going anywhere without you."

His entire face lit up. "She's really something, isn't she?"

I decided not to try to restrain my laugh. "So are you. One minute you're all depressed, and the next you're smiling like your entire world is made of happiness. But...yeah, Xion's...kind of amazing. I'm glad Roxas found her."

"Yeah, before that it was just you and me and Yuffie. And Sora, but he had...what's his name. Oh, man, I think I'm drunk."

"You think?"

He nodded. "I'm ninety-two-point-six-three-eighty percent sure. How are you  _not?"_

"Call it tolerance," I replied. "I've never been drunk in my life."

"Fuck you," he said affectionately.

* * *

Secret Number Two:

Roxas knew my family. He didn't know them personally, or well, but he knew the archetype. He knew general dynamics and neuroses and would only offer the explanation, "I've known you before."

It was an odd way to put it, but I didn't ask. Instead, I asked, "And what's your family like?"

"Cold, unattached, unflinching, and unloving," he replied promptly with traces of sad humor. "You could say we're the affluent counterpart to the Cinderella story, minus the step-family and the royal escape."

"And you're Cinderella?" I found it hard to imagine Roxas taking orders from anyone.

"No...Kairi is. That's what makes it so hard. If it was me...I'd just say fuck it and...rebel, or something, but I have Kairi to think of, and she's my entire world. When we didn't have anyone else, we had each other. But now that we're both adults and she has Sora, I'm okay with getting the fuck  _out._  You coming?"

"I...well..."

"Heh. I get it."

I frowned. "Get  _what?_  I have my own family to think about. I mean, my mom's totally helpless sometimes, and..."

He shrugged and pursed his lips. "Like I said, I know your family. That's why I feel like dragging you with me with or without your consent. But whatever. Just think about it – you and me, out there, taking whatever life gives us head on and without regrets. Getting lost in foreign countries and missing our flights because we're too wrapped up in our adventures and shit like that. We could die out there and I, for one, would die happy."

"So would I," I admitted quietly.

* * *

Dear Roxas,

I met a really weird woman on the plane. I'm in Agrabah right now – I figure while I wait for my ride I'll write you. My mp3 player died about halfway through the flight anyway, so what else would I do?

This woman. She had to be in her late thirties, but she dressed like a schoolgirl. A junior high schoolgirl; you know, the ones who decide it's time to rebel and wear Ace bandages for skirts and cake on makeup and wear those weird bracelets. And weird-looking high heels. Can't forget the heels. (I think Larxene once called them 'wedge heels?' They're stupid, no matter what they're called, so I guess it doesn't matter.) She had this really high voice; remember how we talked about wishing for a mute button? I really needed one. She kept calling me 'honey' and asking where I lived and what I did for a living and all sorts of personal questions. I think she was hitting on me.

But apparently I don't have any idea about flirting. Demyx tells me you used to hit on me. How's that for a riot? Unless you really meant what you said that day, when we said goodbye. It never felt like flirting, but maybe I was just afraid of what it might mean for me and for us if you actually felt like that toward me. As you're well aware, I don't really deserve reciprocated love. I'm a terrible person. You were the only one who never contested that, and now that I think back, I can't tell if I should be grateful or insulted. I think you just knew me best. You knew how I work and you understood what I meant when I said I was a bad person. You were the only person who knew everything.

Now that you really do hate me, I don't have a heart to be broken, but I can see it was a bad idea to confide solely in one person. I'd never done that before, and I'll never do it again. If I was good at feeling sorry for myself, I'd probably want to hate you back. As it is, I can only laugh to myself about the important lesson you made me remember. Never trust anybody.

Congratulations, Axel. You idiot.

I'd better wrap this up. Demyx just texted me; he's about three minutes away.

Loving you a little less/more every time I write,

Axel

* * *

Secret Number Six:

"I...had a little crush on you, I guess – I mean, when we first met, before you met Naminé. Even before Xion moved to town. I...yeah." I was too afraid to tell him that the crush was only gone because it had turned into love.

He looked at me sadly. "You should have told me. You had more of a chance than anyone."

* * *

Xion had pretty black hair and bright, shining blue eyes. She was from Agrabah, and she wanted to move back as soon as possible.

But that didn't stop Roxas from bringing her into our ever-expanding circle. It seemed like such a long time since it had just been Axel-Demyx-Yuffie...but I didn't miss it. Roxas was, embarrassingly, the quintessential "Love" I hadn't ever believed could be real. He made me feel alive when I should be dead.

"You should go see it sometime," she told me, when I asked what it was like. "I'm going to force Demyx to go with me, eventually."

"Demyx?"

She smiled mischievously. "He's really good-looking, and I was completely sold when he quoted _Spaceballs_  at me to ask me out. Don't tell anyone, but I have a weakness for geeky guys with instruments."

"I can  _not_  see it," I admitted. "You two always argue."

"Of course we do. He's dipping my pigtails in ink, and I'm stealing his lunch money. It's how we kids show affection. You're just too old for the playground. You know, my mom says she can't see it either, but...in all seriousness, he was really nice to me when I got kicked out, and his mom totally adores me. He's...when you get past his laziness and weird jokes, he's really a sweet guy."

"Yeah, I know. That's not it. I guess I just never expected it, you know? You always seemed very interested in Roxas, and..."

"I think we all were, a little," she said wisely, but I wouldn't understand her tone until later.

* * *

Secret number four:

Roxas,

On the plane I had this weird dream. We were both wearing coats and you had these weird keys, but I don't know how I know that because you didn't have them in your hands or anything. You were leaving me specifically, and when I told you that you couldn't betray the Organization (whatever that meant), you said, "No one would miss me."

I miss you. I don't know if you know that. Xion tells me you probably do.

Xion is really amazing, you know. Sometimes I think it really sucks that I fell for you instead of her – and god, that sounds so girly and stupid. Not that girls are stupid, but it's stupid that I'm being so girly. Sometimes I think it would be okay if I was a girl, but it's weird to say that, even in a letter. Because it's not just 'okay.' I know I usually act like a normal guy and talk like a normal guy and try to be badass like a normal guy (let's face it, most guys aren't as badass as they pretend to be/want to be), but that's just me trying to fit in. If I were a girl, would you have noticed me like I noticed you?

I'm so excited to see you next year. We haven't talked in so long and I'm still not sure if you'll even say two words to me, but Demyx says you're just as excited to see me as you are to come back. I still miss you so much. It scares me to think that you still have this hold on me.

I want to ask you how it was to live in Midgar. I want to ask you why you're still with Naminé. I want to ask you if you ever wanted me – I know you said I had a chance once, but that doesn't mean you actually wanted me. Just that maybe you could someday.

I'll only ask two of those. Sometimes I feel so selfish and douchy, not telling you how I feel about you, because I shouldn't make decisions for you (as in: "it's for his own good that I'm not saying anything"), but it's just as much about me as it is about you. I'd probably kill myself if you scorned me for loving you. It's such a pathetic mindset, but you really saved me. Making you hate me on purpose was better than making you hate me on accident.

But you apparently don't hate me. I'm still going what the hell, to be honest.

I'm all over the place, because I haven't slept in a couple of days, other than that weird dream. I'm headed to Twilight Town again, but I'm coming from New York. Yuffie is okay, if you wanted to know. NYU is treating her well, and her roommate Morgan is a riot. Morgan's stepmom acts like a fairytale come to life and spent an hour or so trying to figure out what kind of clothing looked best on me. Yuffie still thinks she's a ninja, but that's such a part of her it'd probably mean the end of the world if she didn't.

I think my grammar there was atrocious. Well, I'm a writer, not an English major. Grammar means jack shit.

Loving you, remembering you, excited to see you,

Axel

* * *

It was almost amusing, how shy she she was. All those words at the hospital, words and words, must have been lies or bravado, but I didn't care. She was beautiful and the shyness was endearing and I thought,  _maybe this can work._

Her text message said, 'I'm too chicken to tell you out loud, but I'm going to kiss you.' I looked up and thought,  _Roxas would never do it that way._  And smiled because  _maybe this can work._

Her face was soft in the dim stove light in the kitchen, but her eyes were bright and I gave her the smile girls liked. I knew I could flaunt that smile because Roxas had told me so. She looked so unlike him, so  _maybe this can work._

"C'mere," I said softly, and she crawled on top of me. I liked feeling the weight on me, but I wished it could be him instead. I leaned up and kissed her and I didn't really like the feel of her lips on mine, but  _maybe this can work._

I needed it to work. I didn't think I could stand it if it didn't. I needed to cure myself of stupidity and homosexuality and unrequited love – cure myself of Roxas.

* * *

Demyx didn't like Larxene and Xion hated her, but I hoped I could win them over. I needed them to like her because I wanted to be with her. I didn't really like her either, but I liked the feeling of being needed and being trusted like that. I knew she was interested in Marluxia and she only wanted me because I saved her life, but I didn't care.

The thing I'd hoped would work was...well, working.

* * *

Secret number seven:

It wasn't that she was bad; I knew that perhaps under other circumstances, I could love her, even have a long-term relationship with her, and she was certainly good at whatever she was doing. But I looked at her and wished she was Roxas – wished she was Roxas  _fucking_  me, and how pathetic was that? I didn't want to be in her, I wanted him in me.

I said her name to remind me of my position. "Larxene, I-"

"I love you," she said, leaning down to kiss me, and I had to close my eyes and think of Roxas if I wanted to come.

"I love you too," I said, and it was funny because I knew neither of us meant it.

* * *

Roxas,

I heard you left Naminé. To be honest, I saw that from a mile away, but I hoped it wouldn't happen. I know, I know, I'm in love with you, wouldn't I see it as a chance? But that's not how it works. I love you and you were happy with her so I wanted it to work. The selfish asshole in me wants to rejoice, but that's not the whole of me. That's just the id in me.

I'm in Twilight Town again. It's very lonely here right now, but I'm not sure why. I think maybe I'm running out of steam or something – it's weird, but ever since I heard you're coming back, traveling seems empty if I'm not going to meet someone on the other side.

I keep having those dreams, of you and me in that other place and other life. You're nicer in this life, and I'm less assertive, but in that other life any sort of dominance I displayed was all a lie anyway. People believed it because if they didn't, I set them on fire. I kinda disturb myself sometimes.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't miss you anymore. I mean, yes, I miss you, but I don't miss the opportunities I missed. I'm not upset about it anymore. I don't 'wish' anymore. I sometimes miss being able to talk to you about anything and watching you move and holding your hand when you thought I was feeling down – you were always right, you know – but I don't miss having all that in my head.

I remember you saying you knew me before. I think I understand that sentiment, even if I don't understand why you said it; those dreams are so real, and they're the reason I don't miss the opportunities. I feel like I've known you before. Like I've lost you twice now. In that other life, I got angry and chased you and I even attacked you (though you kicked my ass, which was commonplace, and I liked it, so what does that say about me?), but I'm pretty sure I blew myself up or something later. Sora was there. I don't really know why he was there, but he was your proxy or something, I think. I don't know.

Anyway, I was angry in that other life, and I was practically suicidal in this life, but I can take both of those reactions and make them positive now. I think maybe traveling is so empty now because I've stopped running. I'm not running to anything; I never was, even though I wanted to think I was.

I was running from ghosts, from you, but that's done. Next time I travel, it will be to Agrabah and to you. It will have been six months since you left Naminé, and I'm going to tell you. Whatever happens after that...at least I'll have some closure.

I've thought of practicing, but I don't think I can do that. It will just make me sound insincere and make you uncomfortable. Plus, I'll probably forget my lines. This isn't a play. All the world's not a stage. I'm not a player.

I'm not good with feelings, but I'm good with words. Maybe I'll just tell you that at first, and let the flow take over from there. It usually makes me look like an imbecile, but you know that already.

They're calling flights. This is my last letter. I love you, and soon you'll know.

Axel

* * *

Demyx and Xion are both at work, so I'm alone with Roxas at their house. He's on the couch and I'm on the couch but there's a three-foot space between us. The television is on and I'm trying to focus on the crime show, but I'm distracted by his hands. I love his hands. I wish they were holding mine.

"I hate people who sleep around," he says suddenly, and it takes me a minute to realize he's talking about a character on television. It's a very cliché case, a woman who went crazy and murdered her husband after he cheated on her, but I know it has more significance to him.

"Yeah, I don't even get it," I tell him honestly.

He looks at me and the intensity of his focus is...I close my eyes so I can listen to him ask, "What don't you get?"

I shrug and only open my eyes when I'm looking at the television. Despite my convictions, I haven't been able to tell him what's on my mind and talking to him makes me worry that he can hear it in my voice or see it in my movements, so I feel awkward and he's still as enchanting as always, so I can't stay away from him.

"Just, why people turn somewhere else for sex. I'm probably just weird, but I don't even really care for it. It's just as easy to do it yourself, and it's less...irritating." I feel awkward talking about jacking off with him, especially since I just admitted that sex isn't fantastic. Way to make yourself look cool, Axel. But he's not laughing.

"I guess. I like it, but it's not really all that personal. Is that what you mean?"

"Kinda." I glance at him sideways and he's still looking at me like that, so I look away again. I'm such an idiot. "You could have sex with anyone, but that someone might get attached. There are more personal things, like kissing someone or holding their hand or something. It sounds silly and childish, but I really do think that. I could have sex with anyone, but I'd only ever...I'd only ever kiss someone I loved. Or at least cared about a lot."

I can't believe I just said that. Maybe I should just cut off my dick and be done with it.

He's very quiet. I chance a glance and as soon as our eyes meet he asks, "Would you kiss me?"

I can feel my breath getting shallow. This isn't how I wanted it to go. I wanted to maybe work up my nerve, or tell him when we're both tired or something. I don't even know how I wanted it to go, but just...not like this. Before I know what I'm saying, I say, "Please don't ask me that."

He seems to almost sag a little and asks, "Is that a no?"

"I said don't  _ask_  me that," I snap. I stand quickly and storm to the back door and open it. Before I close it, though, I blurt, "And the answer is  _yes."_

I figure he's going to avoid me now. I would avoid me. I really don't deserve him and I just basically told him I loved him by snapping at him. Great going, jackass. I'm sure he doesn't feel the same way and why would he ask a question like that? It's a lose-lose. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. And –

The door slides open behind me. I don't turn around, because I don't want to see the look on his face. I don't want to see him reject me, and I know that's all he can do.

I can feel him come up next to me but I keep my eyes on the house next door, leaning over the balcony on my forearms. He lets out a breath. "How long?"

I figure I might as well be honest. "Since always, I think. I just didn't get it until after you were engaged."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you were engaged. I tried to tell you once, but it came out all wrong, and then...I didn't want to ruin anything. I didn't want you to know."

"That's why you tried to push me away after I moved? I knew something was off there. It was totally unlike you. I know you're mostly a douche to protect yourself, but that was different. More...concentrated."

"Well, now you know," I tell him bitterly. "Girly little Axel and his unrequited love."

He snorts a little and I'd probably be offended, if I thought he was laughing at me instead of the tone I used. "Hey, look at me."

I look at him. I don't want to, but I'd lick his shoes and call him Master if he wanted. It's embarrassing, really, especially since I wouldn't mind so much. I hope he can't see that in me.

"I don't...this is really weird for me," he says. I scowl, trying to be intimidating, but he stops my face from turning away anyway. "You weren't the one that got away. You were the one I couldn't..."

I can't wait for him to finish, because I'm scared of what he's going to say. "Just forget it, Roxas," I tell him, turning quickly and heading inside.

* * *

Roxas,

I'm stupid.

Axel

* * *

She looked solemn, but it was a lie. I knew, because I knew her better than she thought. She was amused at my expense, but she couldn't tell how angry I was.

"You're too high-maintenance," she told me hypocritically. I'd felt like her mother for weeks, but she thought I was too demanding. It was funny. "I love you, but I can't be with you."

"Does Marluxia know?"

"I...told him you only thought we were dating, and that I was afraid to hurt your feelings. Look, Marluxia's perfect for me and-"

"I get it," I told her. "But you'd better tell him, or I will."

She frowned at me. "Why do you even care? He slept with me."

I laughed, making her look surprised. "He didn't know. He deserves to know what he's getting into."

"You're being such a girl," she said maliciously, but I didn't mind.

"One of us has to be, and since you're being an uncaring asshole, it's up to me. I thought I could love you, Larxene. But then I met you. I'm glad it's over, because I'm not your mother and I'm sick of taking care of you. Maybe Marluxia has more patience, but...that's for him to decide."

The look on her face made me feel bad, but I was too angry to register it. Or care.

Roxas wouldn't have done it that way.

* * *

"Dammit, Axel," Demyx shouts in my ear. I grimace and hold the phone away. They're going to call flights soon and I'll be out of here. I don't think I can come back, at least while Roxas is staying with Demyx and Xion.

"Why are you calling, Demyx? And more importantly, why are you trying to deafen me with curses?"

"Why the hell are you leaving? What the hell did you do? Roxas is sorta...well, he's just sitting there and he won't say anything except 'Axel left' and if you broke him or something, I'll kick your ass, best friend or not. You know how that thing with Naminé affected him! He doesn't like it when people he – look, I'm coming to the airport right now. You aren't getting on that plane. You're being stupid, Axel."

"Dem, he  _knows."_  I try to keep feeling out of my voice, but I can't. "I can't stay there when he knows."

"...Yes, you can," he tells me in some kind of soft tone I don't like. "I'm almost there. Just wait for me at the entrance, okay?"

I wish I could tell him it would be a waste of money, but he knows I never have to pay to fly. I sigh and say, "Okay."

I wouldn't do this for anyone else, but Demyx is like family and this has to do with Roxas. I'm always powerless when it comes to either one.

* * *

Roxas,

I think maybe I might have messed up. I can't believe I

* * *

Demyx shoves me into Roxas' room and shuts the door behind me. Roxas looks up and frowns at me as though I'm a small child who's been bad. I'm embarrassed at the way it feels almost validating, but it's not like anyone will know.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey," I reply.

"Come sit down." He pats the space next to him on his bed and I feel extremely uncomfortable, but I do it anyway because I can't help it. He could tell me to kill myself and I'd probably do it with a smile on my face.

He bumps my shoulder like he used to, before I knew I was in love with him and before we were different people. I don't want to smile at the memory, but I do.

"Why did you leave?"

"Because..."

Why  _did_  I leave? He knew. But he didn't actually turn me down, now that I think about it. And the look on his face as I left...

"Thinking about it now, it seems kind of irrational," I tell him, avoiding the question. I'm still hesitant to come right out and say  _"I love you and I can't stand being around you without you."_

"Logic is for weaklings anyway." He always said that. It makes me smile more, and I wish he'd cut it out, because I don't feel happy. I actually feel a bit sick.

"Weaklings? I think logic is for intelligent people."

"It's for people who are afraid of their own feelings," he says decisively, and I feel myself looking straight at him. As soon as I see his eyes I can't look away, but I don't think I want to. As long as I'm enchanted, I don't have to acknowledge that he's right.

"I..."

It's embarrassing to stammer like that, but it's Roxas. He knows everything about me, even the things that other people wouldn't believe.  _Axel, stammer? Those don't belong in the same sentence! You must be shitting me._

"I'm not afraid anymore," he tells me. "Are you?"

"I think so," I breathe. I don't know why. I didn't even know it was true, until this second. But Roxas can always bring the truth out of me. Even in those dreams, he was the only one I ever felt bad about lying to.

"I don't want you to be afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you."

He laughs. "Then you have nothing to be afraid of at all."

I want to kiss him so bad, but I don't think I will. Not now. It's up to him – it's always up to him. He doesn't know it, but he owns me, whether either of us likes it or not.

But I'm so glad when he leans close. I don't know how he feels about me, or how much he's changed since we last talked to each other, or even where this is going. But all that can come later. Right now, I'm focusing on how his lips feel, and how his hands feel, and how sweet it is.

Whatever this is, I'm glad to lose myself in it. The practical world can wait.


End file.
